T is for Translation
When hurtful comments are made by family members
Earlier this year, I had the opportunity to speak with Dr. Pauline Yeghnazar Peck, a licensed clinical psychologist. Dr. Peck moved to the US at the age of 4 from Iran.The daughter of immigrants growing up with 3 cultures (Iranian, Armenian, and American) and 3 languages (Farsi, Armenian, and English), Dr. Peck now works with other daughters of immigrants.
An “aha” moment
Earlier this year, I came across a reel Dr. Peck posted about body weight comments and boundaries. In this particular reel, a client is trying to get help setting boundaries when her grandmother makes comments about her weight that make her feel uncomfortable. Her non-culturally informed therapist advices her to set firm boundaries. On the other hand, her culturally informed therapist asks her questions about her grandma to get her to talk about the relationship they have. The client soon comes to see the comment through her grandma’s lens and says: “She (my grandma) probably seems my weight as an indicator of my well-being.”
When I heard this sentence, there was a light-bulb moment for me. Although my grandma never made comments about my body weight, my mother always has. Every time I lose weight, my mom sounds worried and says “lav ches utum” (you are not eating well). Every time I gain weight, my mom happily replies that “tmblikatseles” (you have gotten a little bit chubby.”
Translations
When I spoke to Dr. Peck about this reel, she said that when our immigrant parents or grandparents make comments about our body weight, the meaning is different for them. She advises children of immigrants to look at these comments through a 360 lens. “Where are these comments coming from?” While she advocates that we ask this crucial question, she also insists that asking it does not mean that we are excusing the behavior/comment. Instead, we are attempting to understand what lies underneath the comment - what it is actually communicating. She compares this to speaking two different languages: we are speaking in a language where comments about body weight are a big no-no and we need to translate what these body weight comments mean in the language our family members may be using.
No Defense
When we are “hit” with these comments, it is important not to get defensive. Instead, think about what is actually being communicated. For me, my mom’s comments come from a place of concern. She knows I work, have a full-time job, two young kids, and so when I lose weight she thinks I am not eating enough and when I gain weight, she thinks I have been eating well.
However, even if we come to understand where these comments are coming from, when they are hurtful, we need to communicate that. If, for example, you are bothered by the comments being made, you can say something like “I know you are saying this because you are thinking about me and worry about me but it is still hurtful when you say those things.”
Reflection
Have any family members made comments about you losing or gaining weight?
How did that make your feel?
What do you think they were trying to communicate?
How have you addressed these comments from family members?
Would you change how you address them after watching the reel and reading this article?
Key Takeaways
Children of immigrants can look at body weight comments at through a 360 lens and ask “Where are these comments coming from?”
While it is crucial to ask this question, it does not mean that we are excusing the behavior/comment. Instead, we are attempting to understand what lies underneath the comment - what it is actually communicating.
When we are “hit” with these comments, it is important not to get defensive. Instead, think about what is actually being communicated.
However, even if we come to understand where these comments are coming from, when they are hurtful, we need to communicate that. If, for example, you are bothered by the comments being made, you can say something like “I know you are saying this because you are thinking about me and worry about me but it is still hurtful when you say those things.”